


because you're in love, obviously

by HolisticFangirl



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Brotzly - Freeform, Getting Together, I just wanted a fic with brotzly AND mona in it, M/M, Mona just wants to be a good friend, Mona reads a book online and it all just spirals from there, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, is that too much to ask??, mentions of Mona being aromantic, rated T only because i'm paranoid, tbh I really want Todd and Mona to become friends, technically Todd started this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-08-03 07:00:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16321379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HolisticFangirl/pseuds/HolisticFangirl
Summary: And then it hits Mona-- an epiphany so huge she nearly falls off the couch.Dirk and Todd are in love.-Mona reads a romance novel and comes to some conclusions.





	because you're in love, obviously

Today, Mona is a mug.

She mostly likes being a mug. It’s okay, anyway-- nothing special, but very soothing. Mugs are cool and smooth and she gets to sit in the little kitchen cabinet, the one with the tiny glass window, all morning long. When she’s a mug, she _knows_ what’s happening outside of her cabinet; she just _knows_ it, even if she can’t exactly _see_ it, since she doesn’t have eyes.

It’s very hard to explain.

Then she hears footsteps-- _feels_ them, actually. She feels the vibration of approaching footsteps and she knows that it can’t possibly be Dirk, because it’s much too early for Dirk to be awake; her dearest friend is probably still sleeping in the bedroom on the other side of the apartment.

That means it must be Dirk’s best friend, then. The small, angry one who seems to care a little too much, just like Dirk does. Mona likes him, even though she can never remember his name. He’s kind, she thinks, for letting both her and Dirk live in his apartment. It’s very generous of him.

Dirk’s friend opens the cabinet door and puts his hand on Mona’s handle, lifting her out of the cabinet and setting her down onto the counter. The sensation of being carried through the air is a peculiar thing; it makes Mona’s glass insides feel swoopy, in a nice way.

Once she’s safely perched on the marble countertop, the coffee maker to her right comes to life with a humming sound.

Mona decides it’s time to be a human again, before she gets doused in scalding coffee.

So, with nothing more than a thought, she shifts. Her limbs stretch and elongate and the world blurs in front of her. Her flesh becomes soft again, soft and human, and as she’s shifting, she thinks, _Clothes._ The warm weight of a bulky sweater appears on her shoulders and jeans encase her legs, holding her human self together. Whenever Mona shifts from inanimate object into human, she likes to be wearing jeans-- they help steady her, make her feel _solid._

She sighs in satisfaction and opens her eyes, rolling back her shoulders to loosen her muscles. Then she turns her head to look at Dirk’s friend, who’s standing in front of her and blinking, his face very pale.

“Hello,” Mona says to him with a polite nod. Her tongue feels almost heavy in her mouth. Speaking is always a bit difficult at first, but she’ll get the hang of it again within a few sentences.

Dirk’s friend gives her a shaky smile. “Um. Uh. Good morning, Mona. I-- you-- I was--” He runs a hand over his face, the shocked expression replaced by something that can only be described as acceptance. “You were my coffee mug.”

“Yes,” Mona replies, swinging her dangling legs off the edge of the counter.

 _“Right,”_ Dirk’s friend says, drawing out the word. He reaches around her to pluck a new mug from the cabinet. “Sorry,” he continues, placing the mug underneath the coffee maker. “It’s just… you surprised me. I actually thought you were the lamp today, so…”

“Ah,” Mona nods, knowingly. She can understand how that would be confusing. She _does_ love being the bedside lamp, after all.

The coffee machine beeps, beginning to pour a stream of dark coffee into the mug. Steam wafts into the air, and Mona sniffs contentedly. It smells very nice.

“Would you like some?” Dirk’s friend offers when the coffee is done pouring, and-- _oh!_ Mona remembers his name! It’s _Todd--_ Todd Brotzman. Relief fills her at having remembered; it would be very rude, she thinks, if she were to have to ask him _again_ what his name was, especially when he had been kind enough to remember hers.

Then Mona realizes that Todd is still waiting for an answer, so she just shakes her head. “No, thank you.” She doesn’t like coffee, really-- it’s much too bitter for her taste-- and she’s content to just surround herself with the misleadingly delicious scent wafting off the mug and filling the rest of the kitchen.

Todd shrugs at her before raising the mug to his lips and taking a sip. For a moment, the steam blocks her view of his face, hiding his blue eyes and his sleep-mussed hair. But the steam clears and he reappears, and Mona can’t help but marvel at the wondrous way steam just _dissipates,_ dissolving into the atmosphere.

One day, maybe she’ll try being steam.

Todd is still watching her, and his brow is slightly creased with what Mona thinks is concern.

“Are you okay?” she asks him, tilting her head.

 _“I’m_ okay,” he answers, and his tone suggests that _he’s_ suggesting that someone _else_ is not okay, and it’s enough to make Mona’s head spin. “Are _you_ okay, Mona?”

Mona blinks, then blinks again. She thinks about it for a moment. “Yes. I’m fine.”

“But…” Todd sighs, setting down his coffee mug and running a hand through his chestnut hair. “Look, I-- I feel… bad, I guess? I mean, Dirk and I are away all day, working at the agency, and you… what about you?”

Now Mona is thoroughly perplexed. “What _about_ me?”

Todd bites his lower lip. “Don’t you… don’t you ever get bored?”

 _Ah._ Mona understands now. He wants her to be occupied-- which is really a nice thing to do, and it only makes her like Todd even more. He’s a good friend for Dirk to have, she decides, and she couldn’t have chosen better for him herself.

“I get bored sometimes,” Mona admits, shrugging lightly. “But then I just shift into a new thing and then I spend time as that thing and then the whole world is different until I want something new again.”

Todd stares at her for a second, and Mona wonders if she’d spoken too fast. It is pretty early in the morning, after all, and in the kitchen window behind her, the sun is still low in the sky; it can be difficult to comprehend long sentences so early in the morning.

“I can give you my laptop, if you want,” Todd offers hesitantly. “You could… read, or watch videos, or something. Just… in case?”

Mona ponders his suggestion. Reading sounds nice-- she hadn’t read a proper book in… she can’t even _remember_ how long it’s been, but she knows she once had this book while in Blackwing called _Alice in Wonderland._ It was-- and still probably _is--_ one of her favorite things in the entire world.

So she says, “Thank you, I’d like that.”

Todd smiles a bit. “Okay.”

Mona hops off the counter and decides that _yes, Todd Brotzman is_ good.

 

 

It’s around ten-thirty in the morning when Dirk finally wakes, and Mona sits on Todd’s couch, curled up with his laptop balanced on her knees, as Todd and Dirk eat breakfast. While Dirk was sleeping, Todd had gone out and bought two chocolate-filled croissants and a cup of tea (for Dirk, of course) from the local bakery. They eat in the kitchen, filling the apartment with chatter and laughter, and Mona can’t help but smile.

She browses the internet, just as she’s been doing for the past two-and-a-half hours now, trying to find a good book to read. It takes her a good forty-five minutes to figure out how to even search for something online, even with Todd’s tutelage. She understands how the general premise of the Internet _works,_ she’s just… not adept at using it.

Yet.

Mona’s first search, **_“may i please have a book please,”_ ** turns up no results. So Todd says something about _key words,_ and she tries a different search. This one just brings her pictures of fluffy baby creatures; as cute as they are, they’re not what she’s looking for.

So Mona continues to search, waving Dirk and Todd goodbye as they head out the door. It takes lots of time for her fingers to find the right letters to tap, but she’s patient. If there’s one thing she’s learned in Blackwing, it’s patience.

 _“Funny… books… read… online… free,”_ Mona says while she types, sounding out the letters as she clicks the keys. She wants something to make her laugh, something light and happy to keep her spirits up. And Todd told her that searching “read online free” would always give her good results.

He’s not wrong. A list of covers appears on the too-bright screen, and Mona selects one at random. There’s excitement bubbling in her blood, and she thinks that it will be _nice,_ to be able to read again in a place that’s not her least-favorite in the world.

When the page loads, the words _CHAPTER ONE_ burn into Mona’s vision with fierce clarity. She presses her fingers up against the laptop’s finger pad, clumsily scrolling down. Reading on a laptop is nothing like reading a regular book, but it will do.

 

 

It’s nearing three o’clock in the afternoon when Mona finishes, and she’s dumbstruck with awe.

She had stumbled across a love story-- which, once she had discovered it was a love story, she didn’t think she would like much at all. After all, she’s never really been able to relate to the concept of romance. She thinks it’s lovely that people fall in love, but she knows _she’ll_ never fall in love. She isn’t sure _how_ she knows, but she just _does._

But the love story between the two girls in the book was so _real_ that the story feels tangible, like Mona can reach out and touch it. Her heart feels full and warm from the pure _happiness_ the characters seemed to radiate.

Mona remembers why she always loved reading. She makes a mental note to thank Todd profusely for letting her use his laptop.

And then it hits Mona-- an epiphany so huge she nearly falls off the couch.

 _Dirk and Todd are_ in love.

Suddenly, everything makes sense, and it’s like the missing pieces of the Universe have been slotted into place. Now, Mona _understands_ why Dirk looks at Todd like he hung the stars, and why Todd looks at Dirk with an overwhelmingly soft affection. She understands why they share the same bed, why they hold each other tight through the occasional nightmares, why they always want to be together and why they fall asleep together on the couch, tangled in a heap of limbs.

They’re in _love._

Mona shuts the laptop carefully, frowning as she drums her fingers on the lid.

As Dirk’s oldest friend, she feels that she should be making sure Dirk ends up with a very good romantic partner who will make him happy. So Mona asks herself: does Todd make Dirk happy?

The answer to that question is clear as day, because Dirk is happier now than he’s ever been in his whole life. And if Todd was a good best friend for Dirk to have, then why wouldn’t he be a good _boyfriend_ for Dirk to have?

Mona nods, just once. She approves of Dirk’s choice. She makes another mental note to congratulate the both of them on falling in love. It seems like the kind of thing that deserves congratulations.

 

 

Dirk and Todd arrive home late that night, talking animatedly as they walk through the threshold of the apartment. Dirk shrugs off his yellow leather jacket and Todd hangs it up for him. Then Dirk approaches Mona, who’s stretched out on the couch, gazing calmly at the ceiling. She’s put Todd’s laptop on the coffee table beside her, and Mona feels like they’re both resting together-- she and her books.

“I brought you some pasta,” Dirk says proudly, perching on the edge of the couch beside her legs and showing her the white paper bag in his hands.

Mona sits up happily, grinning at him. His face is alight with the glow of his smile, and it makes her feel nice and _safe._ “Thank you, Dirk.”

Todd comes up behind him, casually draping his arms around Dirk’s shoulders from behind. Mona shoots Dirk a very knowing look, to which Dirk responds with a puzzled head tilt.

“What?” Dirk asks in a low voice, as if they’re discussing something secret. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Mona grins brightly at him. “You never told me,” she says. “I’m sorry I didn’t say congratulations to you earlier.”

Todd takes his hands off Dirk’s shoulders, looking confused. “Huh?”

Dirk purses his lips. “Mona, what are you talking about?”

Now it’s Mona’s turn to be confused. “I…” she falters. Isn’t she doing a good thing? Isn’t this what friends _do?_ “You and Todd are in love, and I never--”

Many things happen at once, then.

Todd seems to choke on thin air, his face going bright red in a matter of seconds. He doubles over, coughing, and Mona is suddenly afraid that she’s sparked one of his pararibulitis attacks.

Dirk, on the other hand, has gone very, _very_ still. There’s a flush spreading across his cheekbones, and his eyes are very wide and scared-looking.

All of a sudden, Mona feels kind of terrible, and she isn’t exactly sure _why,_ but she knows she’s made some sort of mistake.

“Where-- I-- how did you-- why do you think _that?”_ Todd wheezes, managing to pull himself together enough to stand upright.

“Because,” Mona trails off. “It’s so-- _obvious,_ isn’t it?”

It is, isn’t it? They’re in _love,_ they _have_ to be.

“Obvious?” Dirk squeaks, his voice abnormally high, even for him. “I-- it’s _obvious?”_

“Wait--” Todd sputters, “Dirk, when you say-- when you say that it’s _obvious,_ does that mean-- do you-- is--”

Dirk buries his face in his hands. “Oh _no,”_ Mona hears him moan into his hands. “Oh _no_ oh _no_ oh _nononono…”_

Mona has never felt more bewildered in her entire life.

She pulls up her legs, curling them tight to her chest, and wraps her arms around her knees. She feels this sudden need to take up as little space as possible, and she balances precariously on the edge of the couch.

“I’m sorry,” she hears Dirk say, voice muffled. “Todd, you weren’t supposed to know--”

All of a sudden, Mona wishes Dirk would just take his face out of his hands and look Todd in the eye, because right now, Todd is looking at Dirk with an expression of complete awe. And if that’s not love, then she really has no clue what is.

“Dirk,” Todd says pleadingly, and-- _yes!_ Dirk is _looking,_ and their eyes meet, and--

\-- oh.

Todd surges forward and then he and Dirk are _kissing._

Dirk fists his hands in Todd’s dark shirt and Todd threads his fingers into Dirk’s hair, pushing him farther down on the couch and practically climbing into his lap. Dirk makes a desperate sound into Todd’s mouth and Mona’s face burns hot. Suddenly, the Universe is telling her that she really needs to leave the living room and give her friends some privacy.

So she hastily stands and hurries towards the kitchen, where she can maybe be a mug and hide herself in the cabinet so she doesn’t have to witness… _anything._

And as Mona’s just beginning to shift from human into object, she feels the Universe-- the crackling, sparkling energy that is the Universe-- touch her lightly on the shoulder in something like approval.

 _You’re welcome,_ Mona thinks, and then she shifts.


End file.
